sleepless dream

i try hard to forget her even though i know i not even trying...its hard and takes time for me to accept her just as friend and not more than that...having my family by my side really helps me to realize the path i took and i know something precious just flew away from my life...its just another chapter of my life that have will be some memory that i cherish and hope i won't forget for sometimes...or perhaps forever...
for now she will be friend..hopefully then she will my life partner...
now i do doubt my feeling towards her...i don't know if i can say i love her again when that time come...i just don't know...
thats all...

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i have been rejected

so much to say but still i'm speechless as always....last friday had leaved a mark in my life..i've done something that i can't even believe its really me who do it...that evening i went to flower store to get some flower for her because i've decided to tell her my feeling that night...but i have to wait too long because she still slumber that evening...when she awaken, i came quickly hoping that i won't fluttered when i tell her my feeling...but everything just went all the way around...there i stand in front of her with a boutique of roses in my hand trynig hard to tell her how much i loved her...all i can hear she said was, "sorry but i can't accept this"...i felt really down...then she take a breath and ask me to sit with her and have a talk...we sat on pond wall talking about how we fell for each turns out that everything that happened,everything that showed me hope of her care for me is just my misinterpret...its all just misunderstood...but i know now that she just not ready yet for a relation....i respect her decision and accept it heartly...the talk over and i drove home brokenhearted...
that night i played futsal to release my frustration...i'm so tired and so sick of this feeling that i have to endure alone in my heart...sometimes it hurts me so deep that i felt like crying...but still i am who i am...I AM FATE...THIS AIN'T OVER!...
i'll never give up on her until i found someone else better then she is...but i don't think there is one...
thats all...

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what really happened??

seriously I don't know what happened to flower i just sent to her...but when I open up frenster, I found out that she just posted some poems that really ligthen up my day just reading it...its just so relieves to know that she had some feeling inside her and hopefully its for me...
its just a matter of time for me to confess to her and I'll make sure for it to be grand and wonderful...
thats all..

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i sent roses to her and a teddy!!! i really hope she like it..can't wait to see her responce..he3..i'd willing all my life to her...=)
thats all..

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yet for hope

sometimes I feels like giving up in my life. For everything that I've tried hard enough, for all the effort I've put in, everything seems senseless and useless. Everyday I'd pray for success and for my happiness..but it just won't do enough...I really am tired and sick for being the one who bear this pain on my own..but eventually I got my friends to hang on to..They're all very supportive and caring. I'd be damned if I ever lost them....

yesterday she lost her phone and I still don't do much to help her. I've come to her place to show how I really care about her but still I didn't have a chance to met her and say that I really care about her..but i do know that she's alright now.

I want to show her how much I care about her, how much I need her, how much I love her and how much she meant in my life...that day will come and when that happened I won't let her go ever....

thats all..

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incoming sadness

I don't know if it is something to worry about or not. I try so hard to endure my feeling towards her and be supportive even if it takes lot of pain. but still I can't get hold of her. Every time I msg her I got it reply late. Every time I want to talk to her she avoid me. And I really scared that she might be with another guy because I'm too slow to get her..

Every time I see her with other guy I gone speechless. The only thing I could do is stay by her side not saying one word. I really hate myself for being too shy and let my chance flew away..I still hope there is some place for me inside her heart that will change evrything that happened now..

I'm too tired of pretending to be supportive when I'm the one who suffer the most. Once she said she had to suffer here alone but I won't let that happened to her..if anything I can do for her right now, I'll do it for her..even if it takes thousand of miles and years for me to do it..

I got to get strong if I want to be supportive to her..if I give up now how can she bear me her heart..I still love her forever even if she with someone else..that is my last word..

thats all..

up and down

one day and one week feel the same when your love still hasn't bloom yet.its just another day dreaming about how love would spread and itself will last to the end..
once i heard someone said,"love don't have happy ending because love itself never ends.."

after this its only about me and how i'm going to get i'm suppose to change myself to be more attractive and to make myself more aware about changing around her...and how i'm going to get use to be around her, talk with her, laugh with her, have fun with her, and be in love with her forever...

thats all..

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something not quite right

According to mag,this is the right time to spread love.but still i don't have gut to spill it out.why is it so hard to say love when there already love in your heart? i try so much to make her believe in me.lots of money i've spent to make her fall for me.and i've put all my effort to make her love me..but something just not quite it that she doesn't ready for a new relation? or is she already waiting for someone? or is it me that she can't fall in love with?...(sigh).
i'll do whatever it takes to make her fall in love with me..even if it takes the rest of my life..
thats all..

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improvement??i don't know

its been a month since i had crash on her.and as long as i remember she had been very supportive and open for a "tudung labuh" girl..i remember one night when i went to see her and we talked for hours the whole night.i love to see her face when she wake up from bed...i say, she really is my SLEEPING BEAUTY!!

but still i don't no where our destiny will bring us..hopefully it'll bring us together forever..if i had one wish tonight, i wish a million trillion lifetime that i can spend with u.fall in love with u again and again...

thats all..

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my sleeping beauty

sometimes life surprise you the way you don't expect it would be..this month really turn my life upside down. you see, i hadn't been really close to this type of girl lately..but eventually love caught me and tie me up tightly..its all start with a phone call.that night i was desperate to find apparatus for imt lab next morning..i donno who else i should i decided to cal Wanna..its wierd coz i never talk to her by phone any time before..but it all changed.its like magic..the first word from her mouth flung me up in the sky...her voice so melting and sweet..i swear to god at that moment my heart fell in love with that voice..its like the voice from an sweet and comforting. fill with warm and sincerity...i don't no any word that can describe how wonderful her voice at that moment..
and so i had once again silently fall in love and not knowing what to do...

i got some advice after that and i start calling her and messaging her every first it all when as i plan...but not for long..i'm already in exam i had to stop calling her and only messaging her once or twice a day...its really annoying to know that you can do nothing about it till after mid test over...i don't know what else i can do to make this love grow...i'm desperately need her and madly love her...i don't know what else to do...

thats all...

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where have my money gone??

MONEY,MONEY,MONEY...where have you been??...i almost starved to death trying to find you...i have to buy a bike, i have to buy dental equipment, i have to buy books,and i have to, i need you so much...and i meant it.Please come back..i can't do anything without you by my side...

thats all...

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still standing

its still fresh from msia when i wrote indon it feel weird to start any conversation.i dont really no to say word exactly as they would.but its still make me wanna talk more.there are lot of pretty girl rite here.and i mean really pretty! but i dont have gut to say hai as i dont intend to start any relation anytime now....
i've already start register for new sem.its really work me out really hard.its really tiring..
thats all..

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just imagine things

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home sweet home

actually its been a week since i've been home.all i've done was playing games, go out to KL,sleep a lot and not to forget eat a lot.i'd tried to reach for my friend but not all of them are avalaible. Still i got work to do. I have to find job to raise money, pick up cash from pedoman kemas and to find teeth for next sem.not to forget to pay fee for next sem.
its been wonderful to be home. its like heaven.i got to eat a lot, sleep a lot, fast internet, lot of games and most of all i got to see my family.
it'll be soon till i flew back to Medan...i hope time pass slowly so that i can cherish each second meaningful-ly...
thats all...

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today, i woke up and everything was the same. everytime i open my eyes i wished that i was 10 years younger. because i don't have to think about problems, exams, relationships, money and everything. everyday is fun. you got family, friends, toys and protection. nobody gonna be mad if you broke something . at least you don't have to pay for it. first thing is grow up healthy and smart. and that is what i am today. but its just my imagination. the truth is i'm don't get enough food, not enough money, and not enough time!

my exam week just around the corner and i'm still here in front of this monitor trying to say something weird about my life. my everyday life. every time i type in something i hope that it will bring something up. maybe like money raining from the sky or i got A's for my exam. at least it makes me relief from my problems for a second. its still don't do much though.

all i hope is that i could do my parent proud of me...proud for having me...

thats all...

another day another dime

its kinda wierd today...i got up early and ready for classes as usual. After class we all was going to cafe for brunch and then this girl,as i tried to talk to her, she got mad at me. all i just did was joking around asking some girls there to go out wiF me and she kinda humiliate me there--in front of every one!--.i got mad and throw myself away..not bother to talk to her again.then she kinda felt regret and try to talk to me again.she sms me but i dont have a heart to reply that time, so ignored her with feeling to reply it later.not long after that my phone rang and i picked it up. it turned to be she, pleading for forgiveness and i have to say yes as she sounds so regret and hopeful. Anyway, its still one of stories in my life.

Actually, exam just around the corner and i got to be ready to read with all the subjects.its kinda heavy many too read but yet too little time left. but still i have to be positive and work wiF all i got.i wont let my parent down this time..not anymore..

thats all..

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another nice dream

i just got another wierd dream..i rode a bike n my gf join me on my back..usually she sit a bit far so she wont touch me, but this time she lean to me n that make me creepy...still its amuse me...then we go to mall n have some break...just as we havin so much fun there apearred my x-gf ....both of them..dont no wat they doing there..but surely its annoying...
just adding some time to this page..later then...
thats all...

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lepas mid-sem

wow, i'm back in cousin just flew to japan today.i knew it would be 4 to 5 years to meet her.its a warm day n kinda raining for awhile in the noon.maybe god want to give cool for a i'm doing nothing.just wasting my time after exam.its kinda relaxing for 3 days straight.i woke up,play futsal,got something to eat,watch tv,eat again and go to sleep.i kinda active this week.tomorrow i got futsal match.we are so lucky to be chose to play in the opening match.but guess what,we got to play against last session champs!woohOO...sound tough..yet it would be fascinating.i hope so..

another side story is about new anime in the house.'Blood+' about vampire,just got into me.all of it is 50 episode n i had only watch 28 episode so far.i never knew if i can manage my time well with this new coming anime in my house.

thats all..

dream and again..

(last week story...3rd-March)

hi..its been weeks to be back here. I try to be here more often after dis. only 2 weeks more to go before mid test and i got lot of work to do. there are some problem though. like bout my bike, i thought my dad agree to buy me one.but it seems like he'd changed his mind and it ll like forever before i can convince him bout my bike again. some bad news doesn't always come alone. the good news is i got a new house for next sem. it a big house and cheap! the best part is i gonna get a single room. =)

yesterday i got a wierd dream. in my dream i met my cousin - sweet dahiyah - and we change glance. then suddenly she ran towards me and hug me tight. her lips touch mine and i can feel the sensation trough my lips though its only a dream. it so sweet. we roll on the grass with each hands tightly around waist; feeling every moment deeply. then i woke up smiling. i dont no if i smile satisfied or happy but surely it been in my head the rest of the day.....only a dream though.

dreams make me think of thing, feeling, something i forget, something to learn or something i miss....sometimes dreams come true and it feels like deja vu.
i dont have anything to say.

thats all...

missing the time

its been forever since i put my fingers on this keyboard. it take awhile since i busy playing sports wiF my fren. lot of thing happen lately. my fren bought motocycles - don no when i 'll get one - and i already got my atm card from m'sia. its just a nothing-to-say actually..just a reminder for myself to write in here again..
perhaps one day i'll get my own bike.the i can go anywhere easily...its kinda burden to ask people to lend their bike...u no u can huv one...just ask ur mum.she'll fix it...=)
thats all....

Don't pick lemons.
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eyes on the world

its hard to say things u hate..especially when it comes to relationship.... do u no how it feel to be rejected?...i'm sure its horrible..and sometimes it feel really sucks..its feel like pathetic and useless...

so how do i reject one's feeling without hurting 'em?...its really hard u s so difficult to explain this feeling...its like u are guilty or something worse...its not like u want to hurt them..its just not meant to be...if its really meant to happen, its doesn't matter anytime or any place...the cupid arrows will always find it targets..

but not all story have happy endings...sometimes we stumble and we fall...sometimes its so hard that we don't have the strength to stand up again..we'll lie flat on the ground hoping for miracles...but its just won't happen....

all we have to do is keep on going and don't turn around...and sometimes u have to look back again to guide u along the path...even if it reminds u of the pain u'd suffered through...

thats all...

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its been a long time...

yeah..its been really long before i wrote here much had happened lately....i went picnic with my family...go shopping...and doing nothing in front of this 'magical-seducing' monitor...kept me spending my time...actually wasting is the rigtht word..
thats all..

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